


harry potter and the angents of ISIS

by Theraccoon



Category: Archer (Cartoon), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Archer - Freeform, Crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 22:07:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5944876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theraccoon/pseuds/Theraccoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermione raises her hand again. "Yes, Kelly Kiss-Ass?" Archer asks, sarcastically.</p>
            </blockquote>





	harry potter and the angents of ISIS

"Good morning. First, shut up. Second, which one of you knows a spell to get me a bottle of Glengoolie Blue?"

Hermione Granger raises her hand. "I believe the correct enunciation is accio scotch."

"Whatever, just do it," Archer says, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers.

"Second, today we are going to be learning personal defense concepts. How... how many, uhm, rounds, does a wand have?"

Hermione raises her hand again. "Yes, Kelly Kiss-Ass?" Archer asks, sarcastically.

"My name, sir, is Hermione Granger."

"Well, pip pip cheerio and a rasher of eel pie," Archer grumbles in a (bad) Cockney accent.

"Actually, my accent sounds nothing like Cockney, sir. You Americans, always assuming every British person sounds the same. Does someone from New York City sound like someone from Atlanta?"

"You can just say 'New York,'" Archer responds. "Anyway, rounds?"

"Wands don't have rounds," Draco sneers. "I wouldn't expect a muggle like you to know that."

Archer crosses the room and leans over Malfoy's table. "Listen here, real Slim Shady, do you know what 'krav maga' means?"

"Is that an unbreakable curse?" Ron asks. Hermione kicks him in the shins.

"No, idiot," Archer says. "It's the martial art all ISIS agents are required to learn. Observe."

Archer grabs Draco's arm in a painful-looking lock. Draco cries out and begins to mewl. "Oh, don't be a baby," Archer scolds. "That was, like, joint locks 101."

Archer releases Draco's arm. "Wait... wait til my father hears about this?"

"Oh, yeah, your father," Lana says from the front of the room where she leans casually against the blackboard. "Racist guy? In prison because he helped some international terrorist start a genocidal campaign?"

"Well," Pam says from the back of the room. "Technically, it wasn't genocidal so much as it was sociopathic and deranged."

"What, the," Archer sputters. "PAM!"

"What?" Pam replies, clearly aggrieved. "I got a letter from an owl stating I was to report to this class."

Carol gasps in amazement. "That was an owl? I thought it was a goshawk."

"How... how do you know what a goshawk is, but not an owl?" Cyril asks, peeking out from below a table.

"Who do I look like, John James Audubon?" Carol asks, peevishly.

"Jesus Christ, what are you all doing here?" Archer screams.

"Wake up, stupid!" Mallory's voice cuts through the din. She sweeps into the room, long black robes trailing behind her, stringly, insect-like black hair falling down in a disheveled mop over her eyes.

Archer is jolted awake. Before him, on the desk, are a copy of "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone" and an empty bottle of O'Dublin tequila. "God dammit," he mutters.


End file.
